I Wish I could Hate You More than I Love You
by MagsDpg
Summary: From love to hate and backwards. Dean struggles with the fact that Sam might not love him anymore, and he feels lost inside his own world.


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_**Disclaimer**__**: I do not own any of the Supernatural Characters. All the characters are exclusive creations of CW channel. The original story is an exclusive creation of M. J. Márquez. © 2009, M. J. Márquez / Doppelgänger Studios.**_

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**SUPERNATURAL**

_**I Wish I could Hate You More than I Love You**_

It was late night already, past three in the morning.

Dean was tired but his mind didn't give up, wouldn't allow him to fall asleep. He spent the whole night turning around and around in his bed, aside Sam's. He moved to his left side, then to his right side. He laid over his back, watching the ceiling for what felt like hours, then he tried to lay over his stomach, but it was the same result, now that he was staring at the floor instead.

His tries were useless, inside his mind were the words Sam told him, the ones that he knew Sam meant with all his heart and soul, and he just broke down with them, they were harsh, aggressive, and so full of hate and anger he couldn't resist it.

He told Sam '_I wish I could hate you_' but he couldn't finish his sentence, Sam pushed him against a wall, grabbing his jacket, his hands shaking in fury, all Dean could see in Sam's eyes was hate, dark, fiery, merciless hate. And he couldn't help it, he tried to defend himself, so he sealed all his good feelings for Sam and pushed him as well, throw him to the floor and stared at his red face for a moment, and he reminded, '_This is Sammy_' as he breathed hardly '_This is MY Sammy. The one that I love_' those word allow him not to move, because if he did, he was sure he'll beat Sam until he was begging for mercy.

Sam stared at him, just there, where he laid on the floor, rage look on his face, then he spit some kind of acid to Dean; harsh and terrible words, words that Dean feared more than flying, more than Vampires or werewolves or any other thing they ever hunted.

"_I hate you Dean._"

Dean shut his eyes when the words hit his ears, his heart fell apart in thousand pieces, he felt his body tremble at that, and a cold and warm feeling coming up his stomach. It was all he never wanted to hear coming from Sam, the one who he had protected his entire life. Sam was his damn reason to live, he believed the Sun rose from Sam's ass, he loved this guy so much that he was ready to give his own life for him. He already did once, when he let a Hellhound devour him alive, just for him to have one more chance to have Sam around, one more chance to have a reason to live the year he had gotten.

And now, all that was in his mind were those words, those stupid words that Sam spit at him. He felt his eyes go wet with tears, he didn't care about them now, he was hurt, his heart in terrible pain, like a void inside his chest, an unsteady heartbeat that only made the void grown bigger, the pain go stronger. He slowly sighed, let the tears poured out of his eyes, as silent as he could not wanting to wake up Sam, and they rushed from his cheeks to the blankets. He hugged the pillow strong under his head, and let all the pain go away. He cried like he never did before, he felt devastated, messed up, even worst than how he felt when he died almost six months ago.

Sam was his family, the only person left for him, and _HE_ hated him, Sam _HATED_ him. He had the right to, but it still hurt so much that it was unbearable.

He let go of the pillow and turned around to face Sam's bed. Sam's childish features all over his innocent face as he slept deep and peacefully over his stomach, his head almost out of the bed. Dean blinked and some tears run over his cheeks. Deep inside his mind a thought that sounded so wrong, but still felt so right, Sam was the most beautiful guy he ever seen, he was his brother, and somehow, him believing that Sam was beautiful didn't sound wrong at all, it would be wrong if he didn't believe that.

Dean stared at him for a while, it was what always calmed him, his brother's face, he always felt better watching him, when he was smiling, laughing, sleeping; he loved to see Sam's face all the time, 'cause Sam was his real reason to live. He finally brought his feet out of the bed, and sat there for an instant, without moving his eyes away from Sam. He was still crying, but he felt a small grin drawn in his face, and his heart gave a rush inside his chest, he felt, he didn't know what this feeling was, was either happiness or just sadness, he couldn't tell, what he knew for sure was that he only had this urge, he needed to see him closer, to be closer to Sam, so he moved slowly from the bed, trying to make the less sound as possible. He moved across the room and sat on the floor, aside Sam's bed, and now he could hear Sam's slow breath, he could almost feel it, he saw his back rise and return down as he breath, and Dean couldn't help but smile again, this time bigger, he felt his face deform under the smile.

He slowly reached Sam's forehead with his left hand, moved the hair that covered it, Sam moved a little, tasted something in his mouth, but he didn't wake up, Dean didn't stop either; he moved his hand to Sam's head and continue playing with his hair for a while, and he felt the nerves, and all the bad feelings disappear; Sam had this charm with him, and Dean loves that about him, the way he calmed him when it should be backwards.

He continued playing with Sam's hair; now Sam was snoring, he liked what Dean was doing, he was letting him to, and somehow, it made Dean feel like Sam really didn't mean what he told him before, Sam didn't _HATE_ him like he affirmed in the fight they just had yesterday, Dean looked to the door of the room, still passing his fingers trough Sam's hair.

"_Dean_" Sam whispered, Dean froze and returned his eyes to Sam's face, expecting him to open his eyes, instead Sam just smiled. Dean felt a rush of warmness run all over his body and hit his heart like an arrow. Tears came out his eyes, and a smile that he couldn't hold back. He leaned forward and reached Sam's forehead, planted a deep kiss there, and then pressed his own forehead against Sam's.

"_I whish I could hate you more than I love you Sammy_" he whispered, still there, then he kissed Sam's forehead one more time "_That way, all the horrible words you tell me all the time won't hurt this much. I love you bro. Sweet dreams_" he lifted from the floor, went to his bed, glanced one more time at Sam and then he laid down. He turned over his left side to continue watching Sam, he felt more tired now, his eyes struggling not to close, he sighed and shut his eyes and he immediately fell asleep. Happy, relief, and hoping that Sam never changed the way he was, because that's why Dean loves him most.

**THE END**

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**A/N: This is my first single chapter story, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Reviews will be appreciated, so please, please, review (yes, I'm actually begging you, don't be mean). Thanks for reading. Thanks to the people who read this story so far, especially to those who reviewed, thanks for the advices as well. I appreciate them all. _Beautiful-Crying-Angel_ suggested me to check the tenses in this story, so I tried to change it to past tense. I also eddited it a lot, changing some words and including others just to make it a bit more emotional (I hope). Hope this is better than before.**


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